Let’s cut the crap-you’re not here for a Swedish relaxation session with lavender candles and whale sounds. You want massage therapist who knows how to make your balls feel like they’ve been baptized in heaven. But you’re smart. You know not all ‘massage’ is created equal. Some places are just fronting. Others? Pure gold. And if you walk in blind, you could end up paying £80 for a handjob with extra friction and zero soul.
So here’s the truth: the right questions don’t just save you cash. They save you from disappointment, awkwardness, and that sinking feeling when the therapist says, ‘I’m just doing a deep tissue’-while you’re still fully dressed.
1. ‘What Exactly Do You Mean by “Erotic Massage”?’
That’s the first question you ask. Not ‘do you do happy endings?’-too blunt. Too risky. You want nuance. You want to hear the difference between ‘therapeutic touch’ and ‘full release service’.
I once walked into a place in Soho that advertised ‘sensual massage’. The girl asked me if I wanted ‘a full body experience’. I said yes. She started with my shoulders. Then my back. Then my ass. Then she whispered, ‘You’re getting the VIP package.’ I didn’t move. She didn’t stop. By the time she got to my thighs, I was sweating more than I had after a 10K run in July. She didn’t touch my dick. But she knew exactly where to press so my cock twitched like it was plugged into a Tesla coil.
That’s the magic. Not the hand job. The anticipation. The control. The way she made me feel like I was on the edge of something illegal-and she was the only one holding the key.
So ask: ‘When you say erotic, what does that actually include?’ If they say ‘full body relaxation’, walk out. If they say ‘I tailor the session to your needs’, you’re in the right place. If they say ‘I don’t do that’, you’re in a spa. Not what you came for.
2. ‘How Long Do Sessions Last, and What’s the Real Price?’
£40 for 30 minutes? That’s a student’s handjob with a side of pity. £120 for 90 minutes? That’s a luxury experience where the therapist brings a warm towel, a glass of water, and knows how to make your spine feel like it’s been rewired.
In Manchester, I’ve seen prices range from £35 at sketchy flats above kebab shops to £200 at boutique studios in Didsbury. The sweet spot? £80-£110 for 60-75 minutes. That’s when you get: proper oil, clean sheets, no rushed vibes, and a therapist who doesn’t check her phone every 12 minutes.
Compare it to sex work. An escort charges £200-£400 for an hour and expects you to talk, flirt, maybe have dinner. A good massage therapist? She gets you off, you leave, no emotional baggage. No texts the next day. No ‘we should hang out’. Just pure, silent, electric release.
And here’s the kicker: if they charge less than £60 for an hour, ask why. Is it because they’re new? Or because they’re just pretending to be professional? The best ones don’t advertise on Gumtree. They’re on private booking sites. You find them through word of mouth. Or by asking the right questions.
3. ‘Do You Have Reviews or References?’
Don’t be shy. Ask for proof. Not a Google review with ‘Great massage!’ from someone who clearly just got their feet rubbed. Look for detail. Look for consistency.
I once booked through a site that had 47 reviews. 45 said the same thing: ‘She knew exactly where to touch. Left me numb for hours.’ One said: ‘She didn’t even touch my groin.’ I called the place. Asked if they could send me a photo of the therapist. They said no. I walked out. Two weeks later, I found the same woman on a different site. Same name. Same face. Same reviews. This time, she showed me her ID. Asked if I wanted a ‘full release’ or ‘partial’. I chose full. She made me beg. And I didn’t even have to say a word.
Real pros don’t hide. They don’t need to. They’ve got repeat clients who come back because they know what’s coming. If they’re nervous about showing you reviews, or if the reviews are all 5 stars with zero detail? Run. This isn’t Amazon. You’re paying for an experience, not a product.
4. ‘What’s Your Approach to Boundaries?’
This is the one most guys skip. Big mistake.
Good massage therapists don’t just know how to touch. They know how to read silence. They know when you’re tense because you’re nervous. They know when you’re turned on but afraid to say it. They know when to push and when to pull back.
I had one therapist who’d ask: ‘Is this pressure okay?’ Then she’d wait. Not just for a nod. For a breath. For a shift in your body. If you didn’t move, she’d go deeper. If you flinched, she’d ease off. That’s skill. That’s art.
Bad ones? They touch your dick on the third minute and act like it’s normal. That’s not erotic. That’s creepy. And if they’re okay with that, they’re not professionals. They’re opportunists.
Ask: ‘Do you have a clear policy on what’s included?’ If they say ‘I follow the client’s lead’, that’s a green flag. If they say ‘I don’t do anything illegal’, that’s a red one. You’re not asking for a crime. You’re asking for a connection. A release. A moment where your body forgets it’s in a room with another human.
5. ‘Can I Come Back?’
This isn’t a pickup line. This is the ultimate test.
If the answer is ‘yes, anytime’, and they mean it-you’ve found your person. Not just a service. A ritual. A reset button for your stress, your loneliness, your overworked brain.
I’ve had the same therapist for 18 months. She doesn’t ask my name. Doesn’t ask about my job. Doesn’t care if I’m married or single. She just sees me as a body that needs to be undone. And every time I leave, I’m lighter. Quieter. Like I’ve been scrubbed clean from the inside out.
That’s the real value. Not the orgasm. Not even the touch. It’s the trust. The fact that you can walk in half-dead from work, strip down, and let someone else take control. No pressure. No expectations. Just heat, oil, and the quiet hum of a body finding peace.
And yeah-it’s better than sex. Because with sex, you’re performing. With this? You’re just being. And that’s rare.
So next time you’re thinking about booking one-don’t just pick the cheapest. Don’t just go for the one with the best pics. Ask the five questions. Listen to the answers. Feel the silence between them.
The right one? She’ll make you forget your own name.
